


Bodyguard (Edward X Reader)

by SilentWolf76



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist
Genre: Crack, Humor, Other, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 22:38:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9093877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentWolf76/pseuds/SilentWolf76
Summary: For some unknown reason, you became a State Alchemist, and you are assigned to be the bodyguard of the Elric brothers. And you don't really know the word 'politeness'.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I don’t really know why I made this, to be honest. I was reading some Fullmetal Alchemist manga for school coz they force you to read :<
> 
> So then I got an idea for it and why not publish it?
> 
> Anyway, time to shut up! Enjoy~
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist

Once upon a time, there was an absolute idiot/person. This was you. If you actually had a brain, then it would be a miracle.

To put it simply, (f/n) (l/n) is an idiot. You are very welcome, because you just thanked author-chan and made her a millionaire just by existing. So technically, I thank YOU for making me rich (yes, it’s TOTALLY real).

Anyway, let’s get back to you.

You walked down the street, trying to look cool but looking more like a strutting, drunk pigeon. Oh well. You wore big-ass sunglasses to match your ‘coolness’, but they weren’t very helpful because it was raining. To make it worse, you wore a t-shirt and shorts, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your skin was turning blue or something ‘cause it was damn cold. Scratch that, it’s like winter on Pluto. Do you see the whole idiot thing now? Well, it gets worse.

Along with your ridiculous outfit, useless sunglasses and drunk pigeon impressions, you carried round a giant body bag (*cough cough* HANDBAG *cough cough*), complete with fluorescent colours and sparkles that pretty much blinded anyone and anything within a mile radius if the sun ever decided to show up.

Oh, and did I forget? Your hair.

God, your hair. Actually, can you even call that hair?

Right, let’s just pretend for a minute that the unidentifiable object on your head is actually HAIR, and I’ll try and describe it to you. TRY.

It looks like author-chan’s best friend’s hair on a bad morning. Huge curls and corkscrews, along with split ends (however, my friend doesn’t have split ends) and – oh, apparently twigs in your hair. You know, it actually looks like a birds’ ne- never mind. I was going to say it looks LIKE a birds’ nest, but it seems that’s a reality now. Yeah, you have a bird in your hair – oh, lil’ birdie has a friend. Now lil’ birdie has a LOT of friends. What did you PUT in your hair?

Congratulations, you officially have an army of birds, and their base is your hair. You must be so proud.

Anyway, it’s not over. And yes, we WILL get to the ACTUAL story after I’ve described you, because I want to make fun of you and laugh at you. Because I’m me.

Now, onto the COLOUR. Seriously, why would you do that to your poor hair? Bright yellow and pink streaks in your hair. The ends of your hair in a pattern of red, blue and green. The roots are tinted purple and orange.

So now you’re looking like a complete and utter idiot, walking down a PUBLIC STREET and you’re actually wondering, in that messed up little head of yours, WHY PEOPLE ARE STARING AT YOU. Haven’t you looked in the mirror lately? Or at all?

Oh and I forgot one little detail.

You’re a State Alchemist.

*Complete silence*

No, I’m serious! God knows HOW, but you actually got the certification for it. You even got the pocket watch! Well, until you lost it. You spent an entire two hours with that pocket watch. Shame it’s gone.

Ah, finally, you’re there. After getting lost five times in probably the smallest town in the world, you finally arrived at your destination (yes, I sound like a GPS now).

Note to self: NEVER let you travel round by yourself. Ever.

Anyway, you were in public for one reason: you were sent to be a bodyguard for one Fullmetal Alchemist and one armoured brother.

At last, you saw two weird individuals (like you can talk though), standing by a train. Walking up to them, you noticed just how…SMALL one of them was. Seriously, you could easily mistake him for a seven-year-old he was that short.

“Sup, Armour Dude.” You greeted wonderfully, staring at the armoured brother. Then you looked down at the more important person.

“Sup, Midget.” Bad idea.

Huge tick marks appeared on Midget’s forehead, and he leapt at you, yelling at the top of his voice. “I’M NOT A MIDGET! OR A RUNT! OR A PIPSQUEAK! YOU TAKE THEM ALL BA-huh?!” Midget was cut short as you and Armour Dude had begun talking and had completely ignored him.

“HEY! I was talking to you!” He shouted, catching your attention.

You bent down to his height (even though it was about a 26cm difference) and said, “Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there. Or hear you. Anyway, how many spicy pineapples have you eaten?”

Midget stared at you for a minute, trying to understand what you’d just asked him. Finally, he asked, “…Spicy…pineapples…?”

“Yeah, how many have you eaten? They make you shrink and get smaller.”

“You…can’t get…spicy pineapples.” He stated slowly, as if you were three. Luckily, he also ignored your comment about him being small.

“What?!”

“They don’t exist.”

“I was told they do!”

“By who?”

“The Rock in the Tree.”

“WHAT?!”

“The Rock in the Tree. Don’t you ever listen?”

“What the hell is a rock in a tree?”

“Ah, no no. THE Rock in THE Tree. He’s a legend.”

Midget now looked completely and utterly lost.

“H-haven’t you ever heard about him?”

“Er…Al, is this…the bodyguard?”

Armour Dude nodded. “Yes brother.”

Midget was quiet for a few seconds before saying, “Let’s go get a new one. Look, the train hasn’t left yet.”

With a loud whistle, the train left the station.

Midget was now begging on the floor for it to come back.

“Right, well, let’s introduce ourselves, okay? I’m Alphonse Elric. Brother, your turn.” Armour Dude – sorry, ALPHONSE, said.

Midget got up and glared at you. “Edward Elric. I’m the Fullmetal Alchemist.”

“I’m (f/n) (l/n), and I like tuna.”

“Don’t care.” Edward snapped, earning a sharp elbow in the ribs from Al.

“You like to eat tuna?” Al asked politely.

You shook your head. “No.”

“Oh.”

“I like to pet them.”

“Excuse me?”

“I like to pet tuna.”

“Can you actually pet tuna?”

“Yeah, I do it all the time.”

“You did it all – you know what, let’s change the subject. Brother and I are on a mission to find a philosophers stone, and with Scar running round, the State assigned us a bodyguard. Did the State assign just you?”

“Yeah. Just me. I’m a State Alchemist.” Well done you, for stating the obvious.

Ed sniggered. “You? Really? What’s your title?” You puffed out your chest. “I’m the (title) Alchemist.”

Ed clicked his fingers. “I heard about you. Apparently, the only reason you were certified was because you were so damn scary and wild that they gave you the pass to send you off on far away missions that would take a while.”

“They told me it was because I had great potential.”

“Like what?”

“Like the ability to scare off enemies without using alchemy.”

“I wouldn’t say that’s a good thing.”

You cocked your head to one side. “Why not.”

“It – never mind.”

“Okay then.” You replied.

After that, there was an awkward silence between all three…INDIVIDUALS, as a nice way of putting it, until Al spoke up.

“So, are you a good bodyguard or a bad one?” You shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Oh, well…do you like being a bodyguard?”

Once again, you shrugged. “I dunno.”

Al looked thoughtful for a minute (well, as thoughtful as a walking tin-can can look), before asking. “Have you ever been a bodyguard before?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.” You thought about what to say next as yet another awkward silence dawned on you three. Finally, you thought of something that would definitely come in handy to know. “How do you ‘bodyguard’ someone?”

Ed literally fell over from both shock and amusement, while Al sweat-dropped and stared at you as if you’d just said that pigeons and seagulls would team up to take over the world (which wouldn’t surprise anyone if it came from YOU).

“Er…I guess you protect them from harm, to put it simply.” Al replied, while Ed was still on the floor.

“Oh, okay. Right, let’s get going to wherever you want to go, yeah?” You decided.

Ed, now recovered from laughing at you (which was VERY rude), stood up and brushed himself down from invisible dirt (or as it should be called, InvisiDirt).

“Onwards, brother! Oh, and Derekianianol.” Ed declared, pointing in a random direction.

“Who’s ‘Derekianianol’?” You asked, confused (I am too, dear reader, I am too).

Ed looked at you and lowered his arm. “That was your name, wasn’t it?”

“No, it really wasn’t. Mine’s (y/n), not what you said. It’s not even close. Actually, is it really a name? Or a word, for that matter? You better not be playing tricks on me. I hate laughing pelicans.”

“Okay, first of all, I forgot your name. Secondly, you make absolutely no sense. Thirdly, when have you EVER encountered a laughing pelican?” Ed replied.

“They do exist because someone told me about them.” You responded, pouting a bit.

“Who told you? The Rock in the Tree?” Ed taunted, but you somehow fell for it.

“Yeah! You know him?!”

“Never mind. I’ve wasted enough time here, let’s go.” Ed started to walk away from the train station, Al following him. You went behind them.

About half an hour into walking round, you noticed a particularly big puddle, and decided to take action as Ed’s bodyguard.

Leaping in front of him, you put a hand on his chest (non-romantically, of course) to stop him. “Stop, Ed! You mustn’t walk any further! It’s dangerous!”

Ed peered round you and spotted the giant puddle. “It’s a puddle. It’s not dangerous at all.”

“Yes it is! Well, for you, anyway.”

“And how is that?” He challenged, narrowing his eyes.

“You could drown.”

Growling, Ed shoved you out the way and stormed forward. However, in the process, he slipped on some mud and went flying face-first into the puddle.

Acting like a hero, you leant in, grabbed him by his golden plait, and yanked him out of the ‘dangerous’ puddle.

“Edward! I warned you! You silly boy!” You scolded, then changing to a softer tone. “Come here, my child.” Like a mother, you embraced him in a warm hug. Or rather, you TRIED to.

Ed wriggled out of your grip and spat, “Get off! And never say that again, it’s creepy. Also, you’re not my mother.” He looked away and added quietly, “My mother’s dead.”

You smiled softly and patted him on the head. “No, she’s not. That was your adopted mother. I’m your REAL mother.”

He stared at you as if you’d gone mad (which isn’t that far off, to be fair). “What?! You know what, I’m not getting dragged into another one of your stupid conversations. Come on, Al, we’re going.”

Al nodded. “Okay, brother. Just make sure that puddle water and the mud didn’t affect your automail at all.”

Your ears perked up at this. “Automail? As in the metal limbs? Can I see?”

Ed glared at you. “No, you annoying idiot.”

You put your hands on your hips and looked down at him. “Eh, excuse me, young man. Do NOT take that tone with your mother.”

“YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!” He yelled, getting some weird looks from passer-by’s.

“Break it up, break it up.” Al interrupted before you could reply. “Come on, let’s go.”

Ed nodded and all three of you continued your walk to Somewhere (real place). It was completely silent the whole way.

Eventually, Edward mumbled to you, “I’m sorry for being mean to you, (y/n).”

You nodded at him. “Thank you for apologizing.”

Silence.

“Aren’t you going to apologize?”

“Nope.”

Ed groaned, before speaking again. “You know something? You’re an idiot, I’m a freak, Al’s an empty suit of armour (no offence, brother). I think we can get along quite well, if we get to know each other, of course. What do you think?”

Alphonse nodded. “It’s worth a shot, I think.”

You nodded too. “Sure, why not?”

Edward smiled. “It’s settled then. Well, let’s start from the basics…” He started to tell you all the little details of his life, to which you listened to intently. The more you heard about him, the more you understood him, and knew you three were going to get on well.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Done! Well, what did you expect? “I love you, (y/n)!” “Oh, I love you too, Edward!” *Kiss kiss* 
> 
> No way! I know this is very under and poorly developed, but I don’t care. You’re welcome.
> 
> Right, this story’s very long, so bye~


End file.
